What is infertility?????

What is infertility??
Well to me infertility is one massive fucked up ball ache, that feels like it's never ending. It's stressful, tiring, unpredictable, expensive and pretty cruel. It is the tiniest possibility of having a baby that keeps me going. But if you want the official explanation, then it is a disease of the reproductive system. This is how the World Health Organisation described it. So if it is officially classed as a disease why do people think it can be cured by stopping thinking about it??? 'Oh just stop thinking about it and you will get pregnant'. What the actual fuck??? Would you discuss diabetes, cancers, heart disease in this way?? Probably not!! 'Oh stop thinking about that tumour and it will go away'. Come on peeps think before you speak!!!

The only way I can describe how infertility feels to me is to imagine the coolest party in town is happening. This party has the best music, food and drink you could think of and you really really want to go. But unfortunately through no fault of your own you aren't invited. Pretty shit isn't it? Even though you're not invited all your friends and family are and they are going to have an awesome time!!!! Now already you would be probably a bit gutted that you can't go but it doesn't stop there. You are then forced to sit and watch the party through a window. You can see everyone having the best time and you begin to feel even worse. Now here is the cruelest part, while you are watching them, they can also see you. So you have to smile and wave at them and pretend that you are so so pleased that they are having a great time. When really you actually just want to run away and not watch because you feel like you're dying inside. You continuing smiling and waving and mouth that you are so happy they are having fun. Because heavens forbid you would have any feelings that weren't positive about the party. That would just be awful not considering other people's feelings, because your feelings apparently don't matter when they are not happy ones.
Not being able to go to this party fucking sucks!!!!!

Always remember that although I feel so very happy for you being fertile, at the same time I feel sad for my inability to reproduce without intervention (and even then they are no guarantees). So often I find situations awkward and make excuses to avoid them. This isn't a personal vendetta against you, it is a self preservation thing for me. And currently to me, my health and well being is more important.

Thanks for reading! Peace out, baby dust  and much love xxx

Rant 1!

So for my first post I thought I would give a little advice on what not to say to people who have fertility issues. Over the years I have had some conversations with people about fertility and about me not falling pregnant. Some just want to help but don't know what to say, some who are uneducated in the subject, know it alls and complete dickheads!! So here is a list (in my opinion) of what not to say:- - Are you having enough sex/having sex at the right time??? Well I'd say after 11 years, yes there has been enough sex. Also the hundreds of pounds that has been spent on ovulation kits would indicate when was the right time. - When you stop trying it will happen! Really??? I mean let's stop having sex and see if I get pregnant!!! Yea that will work! - You could borrow my hubby/partner, I've had no problems getting pregnant lol!! Right, number 1 my husband isn't infertile I am, so he isn't the issue. Number 2, is it really appropriate to pimp your hubby out without his consent? And number 3, you're bloke isn't even that fit love, no way would I tap that! - Things happen for a reason!! Ok.........and what is the reason that we have been going through this horrific, shitty, emotional journey for all these years? Because I would just love to know. - It's God's plan! Holy fuck, this one annoys me sooooo much! I am not religious in the slightest so God means nothing to me. But if you do want to chat about God then why was his plan to make me suffer 2 miscarriages and years of hell? Well if this is God's plan, God can go fuck himself! - But it wasn't a real baby was it? (this was with regards to miscarriages). Well yes it was most definitely a baby and it was my baby!!! It may not have been what biology describes as a baby, but within that tiny bundle of cells was all of our hopes and dreams. - Be grateful for what you have got (meaning my daughter). Don't ever ever think that I am not grateful for my gorgeous, kind, funny, weird, caring, clever, freaky, amazing little girl. She is my world!!!! But just because I want to give her a sibling doesn't make me ungrateful! You wouldn't go up to someone with 2 kids and question why they have a second one as they should have been grateful for the first! - I feel so awful/upset/guilty about your infertility! Awwww poor you! If you feel like that just imagine how I feel at times!!!! Maybe you should ask sometimes. - Pregnancy announcements! Well basically just ring your infertile friend up and say 'I'm pregnant' and that's it. Common sense really but unfortunately common sense isn't always common!!!! Don't over think it, be mindful, be tactful and that's it! This is how I feel on these issues and not everyone will agree, but might be useful to some. Love Kay xxx